dumb asses

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 06:14:18 -0700

There was no need to worry. The Furniture Making/Woodworking class will be moving at an extremely slow pace. It will be weeks before we're ever allowed to touch a power tool. In a way, I am relieved. And looking forward to receiving a strong foundational education in the craft.

After this semester, there is significantly more shop time involved and less constraints. It's good that I have a chance to warm up to the commute and become accustomed to the after hours commitment. By the time I get used to it, it will be time to grab some power tools & get dirty.

As for the other kids, my insecurities were completely unfounded. There were girls in big booby sun dresses, a surfer dude with no shoes on (HELLO) and various other unprepared beginners. I wish I would not have spent the time or energy on purchasing steel-toed boots or changing into my overalls at the office.

I would be lying if I said this class didn't stir up a lot of emotions in me. Truthfully, it made me miss that surly old bastard I used to work for and appreciate how lucky I was to work for him, especially in the diversity of projects he gave me. Most apprentices are lucky if after a year they are given something different to do - usually it's just the same thing everyday, like sanding or what-not.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it at that. The time now is to be tough, not get all misty about my past life. It's time to create a better and more solid future.

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knock on wood

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 05:47:51 -0700

Furniture Making/Design class begins tonight at the local college. I'm nervous about managing school while working full time; the lengthy commute to campus; and I'm insecure about my skill level as compared to other students. I am, however, excited to play with power tools and have access to a woodshop again!

This will be the first time I have been a woodworker and a corporate person simultaneously. I have always had the luxury of compartmentalizing these divergent aspects of myself. It will be interesting to see how high heels by day and steel-toed boots by night interplay with one another.

Obviously, this is something I will have to get used to...my goal is to start by having a small shop, while continuing to make real money, until the shop becomes sustainable. I'm not sure how likely it is that I will be able to pull this off in San Francisco - the dream will likely need to wait until we move back to Hawaii. But, as long as I am in that place by my 30th birthday, I will be happy. *knock on wood*

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Out of Office: Getting Married

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 07:42:05 -0700

We leave today, to be married on Friday in Hawaii, surrounded by our incredible friends. I'm sure I will have a lot to say when I get back, but for now my mind is racing around all that I have left to do. Fortunately, it's mostly the fun stuff like get a manicure and pedicure.

I am confident that I will fit into my dress - the last few weeks of stress coupled with a terrible sickness have left me feeling pretty tiny. Rudy is over at his best friend Maddy's house...the neighbors have been alerted to put our wedding bounty in the house for us...Everything is wrapped up at the office...and most of what's left to do can only be done from Hawaii, things like procure a marriage license.

Wow. This is a pretty crazy feeling. I never planned to be married or have children...never ever. But with Steve, it just feels like the right thing to do. The married part, anyway. I love him so much and have never felt so willing to fight or die for anyone in my life. Truly, and I don't want to sound like too much of a psycho here, but I would have done anything to be with him.

I will probably post a video of the ceremony on this blog at some point, but keep checking Papi Chulo's blog for the most up-to-date posts/video. Rather than recording the moments, I am going to attempt to just enjoy them..something that in no way comes natural to me.

Please send some aloha & big psychic hugs our way this Friday, August 8 at 8:00 a.m. HST.

xoxo,
Scotch

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Thank you, United Miles Fairy...

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:36:45 -0700

For bumping us up to first class! Best. Wedding. Present. Evar!

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Above and Beyond

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 15:44:45 -0700

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. My coworkers threw me a surprise luau/wedding shower on Tuesday; they all cooked local Hawaiian dishes and brought them into the office, where we ate and listened to Hawaiian music. There were about 20 people there and several very important women in attendance, including our President of Corporate Communications, who was in from the New York office.

They drilled me for details about the wedding and made cooing sounds when appropriate...and in general made me feel like the most loved, wonderful, special bride-to-be in the world. The outpouring of generosity was almost too much for me to handle and I cried several times - especially when they presented me with a gift card worth HALF of our entire wedding registry. (My boss sent the card around the office and took up a collection for me, all without me finding out).

If that's not enough, I was telling another coworker how difficult it has been for me to find an appropriate dress for the reception and for my maid-of-honor to find something in Egypt. The next day I received two dresses sent via the inter-office courier that are ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PERFECT for both me & my friend. Both are gorgeous, freshly dry-cleaned and ready to wear. She sent along a message that read, "I want you to have the most perfect day ever. I know you will be a beautiful bride and an amazing wife."

Who are these incredible people? How did I find them and how did I trick them into loving me so much? Truly, I feel unworthy of such goodness. To top it all off, my boss had made for me delightful little note cards with my new married name on them and also customized post-its that read, "From the desk of...." with my new name on them.

I cried tears of joy no less than 5 times this week.

Unfortunately, on Thursday I started to feel a bit ill and now I have a full-blown cold. I missed work today, on a very busy, important day and I feel like a total asshole. Everyone was very understanding, but still - it's just really bad timing. I guess all I can do for now is rest and try to heal myself by next week, when we are off to Hawaii to be married.

I feel very sick and extremely frustrated. It's my fiance's birthday and I doubt I will be able to rally for him tonight. Also, I have a trillion odds & ends I need to wrap up on the wedding planning. Grrr...why? Why now do I need to feel so awful??? Grrrrr...

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woulda, coulda, shoulda

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 08:38:19 -0700

As the wedding day rapidly approaches, I have come to terms with the fact I will never really be "ready." Meaning, I will always wish I could have done more for our guests, in the way of gifts & favors; feel as though I could have lost more weight, or had better muscle tone, trained harder, had better skin, bought better clothes, etc. But with less than two weeks to go, I know I need to release my anxiety, and simply allow the pieces to fall where they may.

Still, in the realm of woulda-coulda-shoulda, if I had the means, there are a lot of things I would have liked to have done differently. I would have loved to have taken the proceeding two weeks off. During that time, I would have meditated, exercised, slept (a lot), and really taken the time & care to put all my ducks in a row. I'm sure there are modern brides with this kind of luxury; unfortunately, I am not one.

I was recently asked by one of the higher-ups at the office whether, "[I] shall be returning to the company after the wedding." I laughed my ass off at this, but then realized there really are some women who decide to put their working days behind them after they wed. What a truly bizarre concept. It's possible, had I not accrued student loan debt, that I would not have to work as much...but I always imagine myself working in some capacity. Right? Am I crazy? Did I not get the memo?

Along with the wedding vows I will say to my partner, I have vows that I am saying to myself in my head. One of them is to stop being so critical of myself and to just have fun. In large part, changing my last name to his, will serve as a practical reminder of the ways in which I want to do things differently. The new me, will have a more balanced approach to life. The new me, will observe the negative thought-forms, the perceived judgment from others, and the firestorm of daily minutiae that collaborate to kill my joy, and she will release them.

Or, at least, she will try.

None of this is going to stop me from cleaning the house like an OCD maniac today, or from doing pilates, or from potentially having one last bridezilla meltdown. But it will help to take the edge off. I will meditate on my vows to myself, as I practice my ceremonial vows to my partner. And I will try to remember that, at this point, my only job is to show up and have a good time - and that it's possible, maybe, that I did in fact lose enough weight, buy the right dress, and have clear enough skin to get married to the man I love & plan to spend my life with.

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The Wedding Song

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:00:19 -0700

Our reception spot

The Future Mr. Scotch & myself have been trying to find a good wedding song for our first dance as husband and wife. Well, that's a simplification. He said he has no opinion, but vetoed my choice, which was Little Red Corvette by Prince. Now, I haven't been to many weddings, but the ones I have attended have featured a LAME first dance song. I want something that's funky, soulful, and romantic. Any and all suggestions will be considered. We have 35 days left and I'm getting really antsy to pick one. Keep in mind, the first dance will take place at an outdoor luau here:

Alternately, if you agree with me that Little Red Corvette is an AWESOME first song, please post that sentiment here and perhaps my man friend can be convinced.

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double payment

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 06:12:13 -0700

My student loan provider is terrified. I made a huge double payment yesterday and I thought it was going to crash the site. Every step of the way, a message popped up asking, "Are you SURE?" "Really? YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS???" Four times, in fact. Once the payment was finally submitted, I received a scary looking email from them that looked like the kind of thing you get from your bank when there is a suspicious charge on your account. Clearly, they were hoping I would continue to pay the minimum until my scheduled last payment - May 17, 2020.

Yeah. That's right Sallie Mae, you better be scared, BEYOTCH.

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creature comforts

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 12:45:13 -0700

Pure Chaos

Yesterday, I was invited to the Williams-Sonoma sample sale by a former coworker. Once a year, WS/Pottery Barn/West Elm employees are allowed to bring one guest, and being chosen is a pretty cutthroat operation. I was picked by my sympathetic friend, who recognized that as a person soon-to-be married, I needed some fancy creature comforts to make a home.

For this event, 45 truckloads of merchandise were brought into the Cow Palace and placed on tables throughout. A lottery was held and each of the 1,100 participants were assigned a number. We drew #791, which was kind of a bummer, but I still took home two HUGE bags of stuff I couldn't carry unassisted, a large mirror, and a chair. Amongst my bounty: lots of Apilco porcelain, Reidel glasses, two duvets, Egyptian cotton pillow cases, colorful cereal bowls, candles, jewelry organizers, and several vases. Amongst the rejects - a large, white curtain that wasn't wide enough for the guest room and a mirror with a faux twig frame that we couldn't find a place for.

This morning, as I sipped my coffee from fine porcelain, snuggled under comfy bedding with my fiance & dog; I felt like a real, soon-to-be married adult. It felt luxurious and wonderful to have stuff. Comfy stuff. New stuff. Girly stuff, that I like. Having moved at least once-a-year for the past 10 years, I shed all my creature comforts, and I will likely have to do it again. But for now, it feels really good to be home.

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My Wedding Veil!

nobody@vox.com(Secret Agent Scotch) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 06:04:43 -0700

It cost more than the dress! Thanks, Papi Chulo!

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